Friday, June 18, 2010

Isaac Clark: Mission Log of a CEC Space Engineer

We always wondered what our favorite scifi horror protagonist would sound like and thanks to the latest Dead Space 2 trailer, we finally do. While the preview did give us a glimpse of Isaacs personality, we still have to wait for the game to fully experience the man under the mask... yeah that did sound a little gay.
Before Dead Space 2 was even a rumor, while playing through the original over and over I use to always fill in the dead spots with what I believed he was thinking of at the time. You know, where Isaac was either "participating" in a video chat, riding an elevator, or (thanks to me) severing the heads of dead corpses and playing with them. It was something which added to the already super fun time Dead Space gave me and now I'm sharing it with the world... or just you... (sigh).

Level 1

001: So much for time apart. I'm on a hunk a junk called the USG Kelliwhogivesashit headed toward the Aegis system where Nicole is stationed. Was hoping I wouldn't see her til her rotation was over after the way she treated me before she left. I swear sometimes I think of that woman and all I can see is the word SUICIDE. She sent me an apology message before they had a black out on her ship and as a result I only got half of it, fuckin convieniant. Apparently the Ishimura has some problems none of the thousand or so mother fuckers on board can fix yet one lowly engineer like me can. I'm being rushed out to this bitch light years away like I'm a fuckin pizza. No biggie, will do my job, bang out some make up sex with Nicole, and get paid. "Dolla dolla billz y'all!"

002: So Daniels seems nice for a goat filating piranha. I've never met a bigger skank. Makes me long for Nicoles' naggin ass. She's acting like this is a top priority mission. One of those take charge attention whores I guess. What is she even doing here? Her hair is completely out of regs with the CEC risk management program. Not that I take that shit seriously, I'm usually baked before I even touch a cutter in the morning. She made a comment about Nicoles' vid message so I'm watching it as many times as I can and givng her pancake ass the silent treatment. In fact, I'm not speaking a word to any of these dick holes for the rest of the mission. Oh we're here.

003: So yeah... we kinda crashed into the Ishimura. I for one am shocked all of us are alive. Can't a single meteor the size of a fuckin dime take out an entire space vessel? You know with the whole traveling so many thousand miles per hour shit? Yet our space RV just violently enima'd it's way into this bitch. Holy shit, is that a fucking fire?!?!? No one else seems to be too worried about it. "Just a fire, in fuckin space, whatever." Oh that's right, they let us play with flame throwers in space now, nevermind. Just gonna remain calm while Daniels syncs up our health spine metershits. Funny, you think she'da done that while we were traveling at light speed through the fucking galaxy or navigating through the make-shift asteroid field over Aegis VII. Ugh, this helmet smells like moldy cheesey bread, hopefully I wont be in it much longer. Time to get laid and paid.

004: What the fuck!?!?! What the fuck!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?! Some weird vent monsters came out of no where!!! Diced up one of the marine drop outs and chased my ass away from the crew!!! Luckily I got away. Man my heart is racing............. I just noticed the elevator I'm in. Since when did they put coal mining lifts on fucking space ships? Ok the elevator stopped, fuck it's dark in there. Shit there's blood all over the walls!!! Is that a body??? I'm. Going. To. Die.

005: I'm good for now, managed to get ahold of a plasma cutter and like the womp rats back home, it works just as effectively on these sons a bitches. However, it took some time gettin that first one down. Took that bitches head off and he still kept coming. Then surgically removed his legs 6 feet away, kept crawling!!! Finally said "fuck it" and stomped that mother fucker into submission. That was just the first one though, I'm not wasting shots anymore, going for the limbs like the bloody graffiti told me to. For now I'm standing here watching Hammond and Daniels talk about me fixing something. I guess I don't get any say in the matter(?) Although it would help if I hadn't promised myself not to talk to them.

006: I managed to fix what they wanted me to... it was a train. Yeah, I'm on it now. I'm on a train. I'm on a train that's on a space ship. I'm on a train that's on a space ship that's in god damn space. I can't make this shit up.

to be continued

1 comment:

  1. I enjoyed reading this post. Are 001-006 levels in the game?