Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Astro A40, why you aren't worthy.

My first night at work after months of mercilessly slaughtering tiny dirty children while still in their mothers wombs(sorry, terrorists) and making a week long trip back home to Kentucky where they distill Wild Turkey and the movie Deliverance is a reality. Am I working? Yes. Towards killing more terrorists or possibly bettering myself as a member of the US military with your hard earned tax dollars? Bitch please, I got real shit to do. Example, enlightening you about the Astro A40 gaming headset and audio system.

This isn't so much a review as it is undeniable testimony that gods walk among men and it just so happens a few reside over at astrogaming.com. Here is where the secrets of the universe are kept secret by said gods and used to create what I have come to call, Weapons of Premature Gaming Ejaculation.

WPEGs don't pertain to games so much as they do gaming accessories hidden among small China town shops where mogwai are sold. During a recent viewing of a movie where a main character possessed such tools of domination, I realized that despite my awesome tv, ownage of various consoles, and a state of the art sound system, I was without such awesomeness and there fore, weak. So with bad credit and the spending habbit of a 16 year old girl, my quest began.

Immediately I was faced with a dilemma. I knew absolute dick about this shit. Sure I could go out and snag up an over priced turtle beach piece of shit, if I was gettin something for a cancerous 9 year old who could no longer play soccer. But I'm a warrior of gaming. Granted I don't know where every last fucking treasure chest in Zelda is, but I like to think of myself as a more modern day gamer. One who spends lonesome nights owning and verbally abusing 14 year olds over a game of whatever "shoot your fucking face off" I happen to have in my console at the time.

I only obtain the most elite and spartan of gadgets to further realitize my gaming experience. You should see my tv. Samsung LED. If there was a god, he'd own this tv. James Cameron didn't have this device in mind when he put Avatar on Bluray, otherwise he would have strived for better resolution.

So if I was to undertake this crusade with the same ruthlessness, I couldn't settle for something you buy at gamestop.

While I'm unprofessionally off track, did you know the internet isn't just for porn and bloggin about shit no one will ever read about? I mean, it is... mostly the porn, but you can find basically anything. Google waffle midget, tell me something doesn't come up.

Hundreds of viewed youtube videos and google searches later, I happened upon astrogaming.com. As well as it's Zues love child, the A40 Headset and Audio System.

I'm not gonna bore you with all the fancy skematics and terms developed by people with higher educations then you and I will ever hope to achieve. Instead I will share the hallucinogenic properties such a device is capable of.

I'll start by stating that this is literally the closest thing to jacking in. A term used in the Matrix universe when referring to penetrating your skull with a Keanu Reeves sized penis or needle. But without the cinematographer having a hard on for green.

Would also like to add that I only advise use for the A40 with shooter titles. My favorite, Battlefield Bad Company 2. And while I'm on the subject, fuck all you COD fanboy wanna be gamers the Halo crowd kicked out. I don't care how many pixels infinity ward puts on a god damn wall, Bad Company and it's Duece are far better shooters for so many reasons. Unfortunately I'm talking about the A40, so I'll have to come back to this, but rest assured... I fucking will.

Upon resting the crown that is the A40 Headset on your cranium you think, "oh stereo quality in head phones, big deal" but then you sew your vagina up and raise that volume to holocaust and then the magic happens. Suddenly you're overwhelmed with what you've been taught by your pussy parents to be noise. You cower in fear and urine. You think, "this was a bad idea. I can't take this much badassery." You reach for the volume, but the A40 wont let you. During it's act of rape on your senses, A40 has impregnated you with something you thought you already had. TESTICLES.

They drop out of your stomach as if you were flying over thousands of innocent Japanese children. You start to feel something else. A familiar feeling. Something along the lines of when you watched First Blood for the first time. It's your green beret training kicking in. Only problem, you never had green beret training... until now. You know what it's like to hear bullets zip past your head. The sound of small angry metal fileting a 17 year old. The symphony of blood falling to the ground. Disappointingly, it's not real.

You become euphoric because this is what you've always wanted. Chaos in a bottle. No more will you have to long for such an experience through robbing a bank or joining the military. Only to get embarrassingly killed. This mere headset has given you that experience. In a way, you feel reborn and you look at the world through different eyes.

I bet my best friends wife that the first time you use A40 you will walk away withered and sweating. Like your grandma after watching Dr. Phil.

I'm regrettably not getting paid for this entry, but... go to ASTROGAMING.COM. Buy this fucking device and complete your miserable existance as a gamer. If you can't afford this priceless artifact. You better fucking rob someone.


  1. That was rude, blunt in your face kinda description, but it was awesome i loved it. You have a unique way of explaining and describing things that you would never think to put together but somehow you make since of it all. Great post

  2. I dont know anything about games and all that stuff you like but I do enjoy your random comments about things and your sense of humor! thanks brother! :)

  3. Wow!! I loved this blog!! I couldn't stop laughing. I actually googled waffle midget. hahaha!! I also love the part that no one will read this blog because it made me think of my own blog! I really enjoyed reading this post. It was awesome!! I will be reading all the other posts. :)

  4. Now, I just need the new one to come out so I can inherit this righteous piece of technology.