Friday, June 18, 2010

Isaac Clark: Mission Log of a CEC Space Engineer

We always wondered what our favorite scifi horror protagonist would sound like and thanks to the latest Dead Space 2 trailer, we finally do. While the preview did give us a glimpse of Isaacs personality, we still have to wait for the game to fully experience the man under the mask... yeah that did sound a little gay.
Before Dead Space 2 was even a rumor, while playing through the original over and over I use to always fill in the dead spots with what I believed he was thinking of at the time. You know, where Isaac was either "participating" in a video chat, riding an elevator, or (thanks to me) severing the heads of dead corpses and playing with them. It was something which added to the already super fun time Dead Space gave me and now I'm sharing it with the world... or just you... (sigh).

Level 1

001: So much for time apart. I'm on a hunk a junk called the USG Kelliwhogivesashit headed toward the Aegis system where Nicole is stationed. Was hoping I wouldn't see her til her rotation was over after the way she treated me before she left. I swear sometimes I think of that woman and all I can see is the word SUICIDE. She sent me an apology message before they had a black out on her ship and as a result I only got half of it, fuckin convieniant. Apparently the Ishimura has some problems none of the thousand or so mother fuckers on board can fix yet one lowly engineer like me can. I'm being rushed out to this bitch light years away like I'm a fuckin pizza. No biggie, will do my job, bang out some make up sex with Nicole, and get paid. "Dolla dolla billz y'all!"

002: So Daniels seems nice for a goat filating piranha. I've never met a bigger skank. Makes me long for Nicoles' naggin ass. She's acting like this is a top priority mission. One of those take charge attention whores I guess. What is she even doing here? Her hair is completely out of regs with the CEC risk management program. Not that I take that shit seriously, I'm usually baked before I even touch a cutter in the morning. She made a comment about Nicoles' vid message so I'm watching it as many times as I can and givng her pancake ass the silent treatment. In fact, I'm not speaking a word to any of these dick holes for the rest of the mission. Oh we're here.

003: So yeah... we kinda crashed into the Ishimura. I for one am shocked all of us are alive. Can't a single meteor the size of a fuckin dime take out an entire space vessel? You know with the whole traveling so many thousand miles per hour shit? Yet our space RV just violently enima'd it's way into this bitch. Holy shit, is that a fucking fire?!?!? No one else seems to be too worried about it. "Just a fire, in fuckin space, whatever." Oh that's right, they let us play with flame throwers in space now, nevermind. Just gonna remain calm while Daniels syncs up our health spine metershits. Funny, you think she'da done that while we were traveling at light speed through the fucking galaxy or navigating through the make-shift asteroid field over Aegis VII. Ugh, this helmet smells like moldy cheesey bread, hopefully I wont be in it much longer. Time to get laid and paid.

004: What the fuck!?!?! What the fuck!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?! Some weird vent monsters came out of no where!!! Diced up one of the marine drop outs and chased my ass away from the crew!!! Luckily I got away. Man my heart is racing............. I just noticed the elevator I'm in. Since when did they put coal mining lifts on fucking space ships? Ok the elevator stopped, fuck it's dark in there. Shit there's blood all over the walls!!! Is that a body??? I'm. Going. To. Die.

005: I'm good for now, managed to get ahold of a plasma cutter and like the womp rats back home, it works just as effectively on these sons a bitches. However, it took some time gettin that first one down. Took that bitches head off and he still kept coming. Then surgically removed his legs 6 feet away, kept crawling!!! Finally said "fuck it" and stomped that mother fucker into submission. That was just the first one though, I'm not wasting shots anymore, going for the limbs like the bloody graffiti told me to. For now I'm standing here watching Hammond and Daniels talk about me fixing something. I guess I don't get any say in the matter(?) Although it would help if I hadn't promised myself not to talk to them.

006: I managed to fix what they wanted me to... it was a train. Yeah, I'm on it now. I'm on a train. I'm on a train that's on a space ship. I'm on a train that's on a space ship that's in god damn space. I can't make this shit up.

to be continued

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Astro A40, why you aren't worthy.

My first night at work after months of mercilessly slaughtering tiny dirty children while still in their mothers wombs(sorry, terrorists) and making a week long trip back home to Kentucky where they distill Wild Turkey and the movie Deliverance is a reality. Am I working? Yes. Towards killing more terrorists or possibly bettering myself as a member of the US military with your hard earned tax dollars? Bitch please, I got real shit to do. Example, enlightening you about the Astro A40 gaming headset and audio system.

This isn't so much a review as it is undeniable testimony that gods walk among men and it just so happens a few reside over at Here is where the secrets of the universe are kept secret by said gods and used to create what I have come to call, Weapons of Premature Gaming Ejaculation.

WPEGs don't pertain to games so much as they do gaming accessories hidden among small China town shops where mogwai are sold. During a recent viewing of a movie where a main character possessed such tools of domination, I realized that despite my awesome tv, ownage of various consoles, and a state of the art sound system, I was without such awesomeness and there fore, weak. So with bad credit and the spending habbit of a 16 year old girl, my quest began.

Immediately I was faced with a dilemma. I knew absolute dick about this shit. Sure I could go out and snag up an over priced turtle beach piece of shit, if I was gettin something for a cancerous 9 year old who could no longer play soccer. But I'm a warrior of gaming. Granted I don't know where every last fucking treasure chest in Zelda is, but I like to think of myself as a more modern day gamer. One who spends lonesome nights owning and verbally abusing 14 year olds over a game of whatever "shoot your fucking face off" I happen to have in my console at the time.

I only obtain the most elite and spartan of gadgets to further realitize my gaming experience. You should see my tv. Samsung LED. If there was a god, he'd own this tv. James Cameron didn't have this device in mind when he put Avatar on Bluray, otherwise he would have strived for better resolution.

So if I was to undertake this crusade with the same ruthlessness, I couldn't settle for something you buy at gamestop.

While I'm unprofessionally off track, did you know the internet isn't just for porn and bloggin about shit no one will ever read about? I mean, it is... mostly the porn, but you can find basically anything. Google waffle midget, tell me something doesn't come up.

Hundreds of viewed youtube videos and google searches later, I happened upon As well as it's Zues love child, the A40 Headset and Audio System.

I'm not gonna bore you with all the fancy skematics and terms developed by people with higher educations then you and I will ever hope to achieve. Instead I will share the hallucinogenic properties such a device is capable of.

I'll start by stating that this is literally the closest thing to jacking in. A term used in the Matrix universe when referring to penetrating your skull with a Keanu Reeves sized penis or needle. But without the cinematographer having a hard on for green.

Would also like to add that I only advise use for the A40 with shooter titles. My favorite, Battlefield Bad Company 2. And while I'm on the subject, fuck all you COD fanboy wanna be gamers the Halo crowd kicked out. I don't care how many pixels infinity ward puts on a god damn wall, Bad Company and it's Duece are far better shooters for so many reasons. Unfortunately I'm talking about the A40, so I'll have to come back to this, but rest assured... I fucking will.

Upon resting the crown that is the A40 Headset on your cranium you think, "oh stereo quality in head phones, big deal" but then you sew your vagina up and raise that volume to holocaust and then the magic happens. Suddenly you're overwhelmed with what you've been taught by your pussy parents to be noise. You cower in fear and urine. You think, "this was a bad idea. I can't take this much badassery." You reach for the volume, but the A40 wont let you. During it's act of rape on your senses, A40 has impregnated you with something you thought you already had. TESTICLES.

They drop out of your stomach as if you were flying over thousands of innocent Japanese children. You start to feel something else. A familiar feeling. Something along the lines of when you watched First Blood for the first time. It's your green beret training kicking in. Only problem, you never had green beret training... until now. You know what it's like to hear bullets zip past your head. The sound of small angry metal fileting a 17 year old. The symphony of blood falling to the ground. Disappointingly, it's not real.

You become euphoric because this is what you've always wanted. Chaos in a bottle. No more will you have to long for such an experience through robbing a bank or joining the military. Only to get embarrassingly killed. This mere headset has given you that experience. In a way, you feel reborn and you look at the world through different eyes.

I bet my best friends wife that the first time you use A40 you will walk away withered and sweating. Like your grandma after watching Dr. Phil.

I'm regrettably not getting paid for this entry, but... go to ASTROGAMING.COM. Buy this fucking device and complete your miserable existance as a gamer. If you can't afford this priceless artifact. You better fucking rob someone.

Friday, May 28, 2010

this week in... Gamer Dietary Guidelines

Yesterday I managed to cut loose out of work around 1800, that being 6 pm for you useless civilian pussies. As me and my roommate drove home from a day of wasting your tax dollars, it was decided that in celebration for the early night and upcoming memorial day weekend, we had to start it off with a bang. To us this meant beer, chewing tobacco, McDonald's, video games... other wise known as a total disregard for ones health.

Having acquired a can of wintergreen grizzly(the tobacco) and a lite 12 pack of yuengling(the beer everyone should be drinking) while filling up on gas(this all being paid for again by your tax dollars) all that was left before venturing home and booting up the xbox was the unholy ration of McDonald's.

During my college year(s) I adopted various liberal and pussified philosophies towards many different things without having known a god damn thing about them. A typical college side effect, but those having gone to a technical college don't have to worry about this... because that isn't college. Though how can you blame a 19 year old small town kid who thought the world to be so balanced and innocent? This was, after all, the years where I was introduced to the true knowledge and realizations of the world, so I embraced it as such. I mean being that young and ultimately stupid, how would you react if someone with whom held the title of 'Professor' told you that a specific dessert of a milk shake variety contained a chemical compound that was used no where else in the world except for a kind of horse tranquilizer?

Having said that, most of this newly injected menstrual juice was focused on the fast food industry. I still hold on to most of what I learned(mainly because it scared the ever loving dog shit out of me) yet I'm much more relaxed and am not ashamed to admit to you, my non-existent audience, about my weekly quarter pounder.

Now don't get me wrong, I eat as healthy as my salary permits. I rarely drink sodas and work out on a daily basis. However, my philosophy is "if you're going to do something, take it to the fucking max!!" So while half of my usual diet contains an inhuman amount of spinach and I work out more than your average Joe, I don't puss out when it comes to video games, there's just no point.

If I have an all nighter planned out, there's usually more pizza than oxygen entering my body. Most gamers do their best stretches hopped up on red bull or monster. I laugh in the face of fatigue by drowning it in Jack Daniels. I find mixing it with wal-mart brand fruit punch can add a little extra boost.

So I'm always on the prowl for making my gaming experience that much more enjoyable in any way possible. Last nights' festive atmosphere presented me with such an opportunity. Up until then, I possessed neither the confidence nor the dominant gene which is only found in silver back gorillas to even consider facing this hybrid of calorie suicide. You may have heard of it... the McGangBang.

I first heard about it from my favorite comedy site, via columnist Dan O'Brien. It's easy to assemble, impossible to resist, and I guarantee you'll regret it after minute 3 of digestion. You simply order a McChicken and a McDouble. Both found on the dollar menu, not only making it one of the more satisfying meals from McDonalds but also one of the cheapest. You then carefully insert the McChicken in between the two beef paddies of your McDouble and abra cadabra, the McGangBang.

I've heard of this burger taking on another name, the McChurger. Which is really fucking cute, chicken and burger together in name and reality. However the way in which most pussies would eat their "mcchurger" is by simply slapping the McChicken paddy in between the beef paddies and discarding the bread. Now I don't know about you, but my asshole says exit only, and I include my McChicken bread in the creation of my McGangBang like a fucking man.

The meal in itself is simply incredible, handling like most value menu burgers and in some ways a little easier. I slapped a lil extra mayonnaise on my chicken paddy while drowning the beef in ketchup because if you're going to eat something this incredibly god awful during an activity which serves society no prupose, why not "take it to the fucking max!!"

So who would I recommend this temporary but memorable gaming accessory to?

It's a daily must for the parental basement dweller gamers. Pathetic 20-30 somethings who have no other goal in life but to dominate 12 year olds over xbox-live, mainly because we want them and their internal organs to suffer and inevitably die. As do their parents.

It's a weekend adventure in deserving calorie intake for the allowance gamer. Men who continue to move on in life even though they never really grew up. Who work all week for that weekend of geeking out. Take a bite mother fucker, you deserve it.

It's fuel for the architect gamers. The ones who professionally contribute their time, effort, and love to making sure our games are grade-A-badassery. It is also another link in the chain which connects them to us. Til we can sacrifice or just give them beautiful virgins, McGangBangs will have to do.

It's necessary for the noobs. Introducing this sandwich as a potential dietary gaming guideline to a fresh face on the gaming scene can have one of two out comes. They realize that home is truly where the heart is, or puss out and go play outside.

For those of you who lead successful, active, non-video gaming lives... subway's that a way pussy! Enjoy your Lamborghini, American Express cards, and trophy wife... fag.