Friday, May 28, 2010

this week in... Gamer Dietary Guidelines

Yesterday I managed to cut loose out of work around 1800, that being 6 pm for you useless civilian pussies. As me and my roommate drove home from a day of wasting your tax dollars, it was decided that in celebration for the early night and upcoming memorial day weekend, we had to start it off with a bang. To us this meant beer, chewing tobacco, McDonald's, video games... other wise known as a total disregard for ones health.

Having acquired a can of wintergreen grizzly(the tobacco) and a lite 12 pack of yuengling(the beer everyone should be drinking) while filling up on gas(this all being paid for again by your tax dollars) all that was left before venturing home and booting up the xbox was the unholy ration of McDonald's.

During my college year(s) I adopted various liberal and pussified philosophies towards many different things without having known a god damn thing about them. A typical college side effect, but those having gone to a technical college don't have to worry about this... because that isn't college. Though how can you blame a 19 year old small town kid who thought the world to be so balanced and innocent? This was, after all, the years where I was introduced to the true knowledge and realizations of the world, so I embraced it as such. I mean being that young and ultimately stupid, how would you react if someone with whom held the title of 'Professor' told you that a specific dessert of a milk shake variety contained a chemical compound that was used no where else in the world except for a kind of horse tranquilizer?

Having said that, most of this newly injected menstrual juice was focused on the fast food industry. I still hold on to most of what I learned(mainly because it scared the ever loving dog shit out of me) yet I'm much more relaxed and am not ashamed to admit to you, my non-existent audience, about my weekly quarter pounder.

Now don't get me wrong, I eat as healthy as my salary permits. I rarely drink sodas and work out on a daily basis. However, my philosophy is "if you're going to do something, take it to the fucking max!!" So while half of my usual diet contains an inhuman amount of spinach and I work out more than your average Joe, I don't puss out when it comes to video games, there's just no point.

If I have an all nighter planned out, there's usually more pizza than oxygen entering my body. Most gamers do their best stretches hopped up on red bull or monster. I laugh in the face of fatigue by drowning it in Jack Daniels. I find mixing it with wal-mart brand fruit punch can add a little extra boost.

So I'm always on the prowl for making my gaming experience that much more enjoyable in any way possible. Last nights' festive atmosphere presented me with such an opportunity. Up until then, I possessed neither the confidence nor the dominant gene which is only found in silver back gorillas to even consider facing this hybrid of calorie suicide. You may have heard of it... the McGangBang.

I first heard about it from my favorite comedy site, via columnist Dan O'Brien. It's easy to assemble, impossible to resist, and I guarantee you'll regret it after minute 3 of digestion. You simply order a McChicken and a McDouble. Both found on the dollar menu, not only making it one of the more satisfying meals from McDonalds but also one of the cheapest. You then carefully insert the McChicken in between the two beef paddies of your McDouble and abra cadabra, the McGangBang.

I've heard of this burger taking on another name, the McChurger. Which is really fucking cute, chicken and burger together in name and reality. However the way in which most pussies would eat their "mcchurger" is by simply slapping the McChicken paddy in between the beef paddies and discarding the bread. Now I don't know about you, but my asshole says exit only, and I include my McChicken bread in the creation of my McGangBang like a fucking man.

The meal in itself is simply incredible, handling like most value menu burgers and in some ways a little easier. I slapped a lil extra mayonnaise on my chicken paddy while drowning the beef in ketchup because if you're going to eat something this incredibly god awful during an activity which serves society no prupose, why not "take it to the fucking max!!"

So who would I recommend this temporary but memorable gaming accessory to?

It's a daily must for the parental basement dweller gamers. Pathetic 20-30 somethings who have no other goal in life but to dominate 12 year olds over xbox-live, mainly because we want them and their internal organs to suffer and inevitably die. As do their parents.

It's a weekend adventure in deserving calorie intake for the allowance gamer. Men who continue to move on in life even though they never really grew up. Who work all week for that weekend of geeking out. Take a bite mother fucker, you deserve it.

It's fuel for the architect gamers. The ones who professionally contribute their time, effort, and love to making sure our games are grade-A-badassery. It is also another link in the chain which connects them to us. Til we can sacrifice or just give them beautiful virgins, McGangBangs will have to do.

It's necessary for the noobs. Introducing this sandwich as a potential dietary gaming guideline to a fresh face on the gaming scene can have one of two out comes. They realize that home is truly where the heart is, or puss out and go play outside.

For those of you who lead successful, active, non-video gaming lives... subway's that a way pussy! Enjoy your Lamborghini, American Express cards, and trophy wife... fag.